infinity on rock bottom

pls do not read if you struggle with SH or find topics similar to it triggering !! pls know that there is people who care about u and love u if u are struggling;( thank u

suddenly i feel very alone. i feel like a poser. am i really trans? who am i? what am i? is this all i am? is this all i ever will be, whatever this is? i feel almost no dysphoria for my chest. but my voice. my face. does this mean i am not real? that i'm just... something? not trans? there are so many questions that i do not have the answer to. i am also deathly afraid of life. of the boys and girls that will laugh at me for being who i am. i am so so so scared. terrified. (ex's name) will be horrified. i will be horrified. everyone will hate me and i will have nobody, nobody, and nothing, nothing but all of these words that have been bottled up inside me, pouring out one by one every time someone throws down the bottle. and the razors, the glass, the knives. i will end up dead for being who i am. is this what the world has come to? is this what the world is? i don't know anymore. i am terrified of this town, this horrible place. i would rather be alone forever than be berated every day. i would rather hang. i would rather anything than what is coming for me. but why do i want to do it anyways?